CW Note: Yes it's a day late, it's not my fault the Grammy's are a DECADE long. Filled 6 pages of notes watching the show, you know how long that takes to edit down?
Welcome to the 2012 Grammy's! This is my second stab at a running diary, though my first where I actually keep a running diary (as opposed to recreating it in my head because I'm pretty sure writing feverishly at the poker table would have been frowned upon. I'm joining the telecast a few minutes early to catch the wrap-up commentary on the red carpet, here we go:
7:54 - Giuliana Rancic sighting - Does anyone else find it kind of odd that the E! reporters at these shows are now more famous than half the people they introduce? I could give you the run down on every E! fashion reporter here but I'm in no way able to distinguish one country act from another.
7:56 - Giuliana, Kelly Osbourne, and some Dainty Guy wrap up their fashion discussion by talking about how beautiful Adele looks...I'm sorry, why are we at a point where everyone's afraid to say anything but Adele is beautiful? Like, I'm not asking you to stand there and rip her, say she's ugly, say the black dress shows no lines, shape, or shadows and all in all just looks like a black blob, that would be rude. I'm just saying we don't have to pretend she's beautiful either. It's almost as if by not commenting that they think she's beautiful someone would infer they're saying she's fat. It's insanity.
8:00 - Bruce opens the show, professional and safe as ever. I don't know why, but seeing Stevie Van Zant lean in and spit on him while they holler into the same microphone just doesn't get old for me. Decent performance, nothing special, thought I didn't really expect it, at this age I just don't think Bruce and the gang can throw down a classic Rosalita without first consulting a full team of AARP approved medical professionals to ensure their well-being.
8:05 - LL Cool J introduced as host...My reaction: "they couldn't find anyone famous or cool?" LL immediately proves my point by pretending to be an ultra smooth preacher with street cred. It fails miserably. We get the standard Whitney monologue followed by being asked to bow our heads in prayer...this was my favorite part because the camera panned the audience and you could see a few members visibly rolling their eyes at the suggestion...good times.
8:10 - Bruno Mars - CW Reaction: "Fuck me." I just don't like the guy. I just want him to shave his head and get by without this ridiculous gimmick. NONE OF YOUR SONGS ARE MO-TOWNISH, YOUR HAIR SHOULDN'T BE EITHER. That said his performance wasn't bad, it hurts me to write that.
8:16 - Adele wins her first award of the night, I think it was for something like "original song for most obvious odds on favorite to win a grammy in history," or something. We figured out back in April or May that Adele was going to sweep the Grammy's, I kinda wish they just opened with her standing behind a banquet table with all the hardware she's taking home tonight, give her her proper due, let her sing one of her vengeful/depressing songs, and then we could get on with the non-Adele Grammy's.
8:20 - Alicia Keys and Some Red Headed Country Women that isn't Reeba perform. It was odd.
8:25 - Chris Brown, seriously, what the fuck? I thought this was a celebration of singing, shouldn't he be hosting Dance 360 by now? Everyone knows he can't sing, right? And the producers of the show remember when he beat the piss out of Rihanna, right? That still happened.
8:35 - Best Rap Song Goes To: 'Ye and Jay...They're not here to accept their award, they're presumably off doing N***ga things in Paris (I hope that's not too much, it sounded funny in my head, I'm going with it). This does rob us of a chance to see 'Ye rush his own award acceptance speech claiming something from his MBDTF album should have beat out his and Jay's collaboration, alas...
8:36 - Reeba! The other red headed country girl I don't really give a shit about...While she's babbling on about some historical thing or another in song writing I realize partially why I dislike the Grammy's so much...Way too many history lessons. Listen, I'm sure Muddy Waters, Lou Reed, and the whole gang were great, but most of us just don't care at this point.
8:38 - Kelly Clarkson in a country duet...Looking skinnier than Adele! So she's got that going for her. Side note, I hate country, but I secretly love these pop'ish country duets. They get me every time, by the end of the song I always end up rooting for the two crazy kids to make it. I'm a bit of a sap.
8:40 On a country related note, wouldn't it be hilarious if Lady Gaga won Country Song of the year for You and I? She kinda deserves it, it was a good song.
My fiancee's reaction: "No that wouldn't be funny, she's awful."
"Wait, what are you doing? Is this going in the blog?"
Yes it is, and after learning that she asked me to stress that she only thinks Gaga is awful as a country singer, not as an individual...I'm pretty sure that would be the exact reaction from Miranda Lambert if she were to win.
8:49 - The Lone Defenders against the Foo perform...it's kind of become obligatory lately since they're like the only true rock band at this point. Every other band has a twist, metal, death metal, alternative, electro-rock, fingerbang rock, and my least favorite kind, Nickelback. I wonder how the Foo Fighters feel about all this? On the one hand the exposure they get has got to be awesome for them, on the other it has to feel kind of patronizing since they're only performing because they're the only option.
8:51 - I openly wonder what all the people inside the Grammy's are actually doing right now...This song is being performed in a tent outside, meanwhile no camera cuts to the crowd inside. What is going on in there? Does Gaga come out of character during commercial breaks? Do Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift small talk? I need to know.
8:57 - Rihanna's unending quest to attain a "featuring" credit in every modern musical act continues with Cold Play.
9:00 - Just realized what makes Hopeless Place so catchy...It's all hook. There are no verses, it's just a repetitive chorus over and over...Also, judging by her hair I'd say she's doing some sort of Courtney Love Tribute, which leads to this exchange:
CW: Is Courtney Love dead?
CW: I feel like she died this year but it wasn't a big deal...Nope, Wikipedia confirmed she's alive
So it's like a pre-emptive tribute, the most thoughtful kind.
9:03 - I've never given Cold Play any credit...probably because I always assumed they'd be as good as The Verve, but never were.
9:10 - We're over 2 hours in and we've seen two awards...I hate the Grammys.
9:15 - Fucking Giants...Can't even watch the Grammy's without Super Bowl reminders...on the bright side they are finally presenting another award, best Rock Album or song or something...either way the Foo Fighters won, obviously. They beat out the exceedingly sappy Cold Play, A Mumford Sons song that came out two years ago but they decided to lump into the Grammys this year, and a couple of bands that frankly, were just happy to be there. The Foo Fighters; Winning by Default since 2004!
9:16 - Is Stevie Van Zandt, who played Silvio Dante in the Soprano's, married in real life to his character wife from the show? (quick IMDB search) Yep She Is! I knew that show was real life. Greatest reality show ever.
9:17 - Ryan Seacrest's hair looks phenomenal...That is all.
9:18 - The Beach Boys are performing with Maroon Five, who are trying way too hard to seem cool right now. Adam Levine: Overexposed. Go back to being a poor man's Matchbox 20...better yet go track down Matchbox 20. If we're going to listen to a pop-rock band writing songs for 14 year old girls we might as well listen to a good one, right?
9:30 - Stevie Wonder introduces Paul Mccartney, which could be one of the more famous introducer/performer combo's of all time...and would have been relevant 30 years ago...The Grammy's: We're Constantly Confused About our Target Demographic, Only on CBS!
9:32 - While Sir Paul puts the crowd to sleep, wouldn't it be hilarious if Paul came out with an Adele like 21 album, only titled $48.6, complete with songs ripping his ex-wife for stealing half of his net worth? Has anyone pitched him this idea?
9:37 - Chris Brown wins best R&B with a decidedly un-R&B song. This has me confused. He thanks God first and foremost...God hates you Breezy. Go away and don't ever come back.
9:42 - Does anyone not like Taylor Swift? She's like the nicest person on the planet. I can't fathom who would have been mean enough to her that she'd have to write a song like "Mean" but I assume it was Chris Brown.
9:50 - NPH sighting! He's presenting song of the year...to Adele (snooze). Speaking of Adele though, does her current boyfriend realize what's going on here? Is he aware that she's just using him for future material, that they're going to breakup, he's going to be the bad guy, and she's going to sell multiple millions of albums based on some tedious fight they had because frankly, she's got nothing else to sing about.
9:56 - Collectively Katy Perry, Laddy Gaga, and Nicki Minaj are keeping the latex industry solvent. It's impressive and convenient, because I assume backstage or after hours, whoever they hook up with doesn't even have to bring a condom. Their outfits do the trick just fine.
10:00 - Best Country Album - Lady Antebellum. They're introduced with one of their songs playing in the background that I know for a fact I heard at least 2 and a half years ago...I'm fairly certain they won for this exact album last year as best new artist...why does the Grammy's allow this?
I'll say this about the Country music contingent, they're the only genre that doesn't have artists who dress like dickheads.
10:05 - Adele performs...She's really good, there's no denying that, but enough is enough already. I want to like you Adele, I really do. And it's not your fault, it's just that I haven't gotten in my car in the last year without hearing one of your two songs...which is more of a feat than you realize because I have a one mile commute...that's a 5 minute window, in which, for the last 365 days I've heard you voice bellowing to me. I'm sick of you. It's not your fault...But again, that said, she's really really good.
10:17 - This thing goes 3 hours? Fuck me. Should have looked at the guide first I guess. I can tell you now I'm not going to spell check a word of this blog, its far too long. Also, this is the Country Music Awards portion of the show apparently, with a country medley performing on stage.
If Country is going to insist on going mainstream and becoming a part of the Grammy's they should have to give up 2 or 3 of their other handful of award shows they put on for themselves. Time to end the circle jerk guys, you're winning real awards, you don't need all the Country only celebrations to make yourselves feel better about your lesser variety of music anymore.
10:32 - Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett perform, which is a really, really odd pairing. Also, Carrie is depriving the world of the sight of her traditionally glistening legs. The cocoa butter industry is now in ruins.
10:34 - Something called a "Bon Iver" just won best new artist. And possibly declined the award in his acceptance speech, I couldn't tell, but it definitely sounded like he didn't want the award. It was uncomfortable and I get the feeling that he'd rather be in some basement bar working on slam poetry than winning Grammy's. He did say "sweet hookup" during his speech though, and I would have killed for the cameras to pan to Tony Bennett at that moment...The look on his face while he tried to figure out what sweet hookup meant would have been priceless.
10:46 - Great job by Jennifer Hudson. Can't imagine man people lining up for that responsibility, and she handled it very well...During the whole montage I couldn't help but find myself wondering how things would have turned out if Nick Cannon had hooked up with Whitney and became her rock, instead of Mariah's...We'd be doing a tribute to the musical accompaniment of "Always be My Baby," right?
10:59 - Something called Dead Mouse (something like that) just performed and confirmed the following: The Grammy's are not a Dub Step crowd...no one in the audience knew what to do...poor dead mouse.
11:01 - I'm tired, we're 3 hours in, and Adele is going to win the next two awards, plus this thing is going to take a year to edit, I'm out folks, its been real. One final thought, I think the reason I hate the Grammy's so much is they take themselves way too seriously, way to much history, way too much self importance. All the other award shows (ESPYs, Oscars, Globes, etc...) hire comedians to be the hosts and spend most of the night making light of themselves...not the Grammy's. We have to basically pause reality on Grammy night and pretend music makes the world goes round...it doesn't. Lighten up guys, this is supposed to be a fun, entertaining night.
11:05 - WHOA! I almost left before this? What the fuck is Nicki Minaj doing? And how are the camera's not panning to Lady Gaga for her reaction...This is by far the silliest thing I've ever seen, and it doesn't help that I haven't understood a word of what Nicki is saying, not a word. I'm really conflicted on what to think here, on the one hand this is just plain awful, on the other my conscience is nagging me wondering if I'm just being racist...Gaga has had some pretty fucked performances, but I've usually found them somewhat entertaining...This Minaj performance is either career ending bad, or I have some deep seeded issues...but I'm going to go with career ending bad.