Monday, December 19, 2011
Yeah, I know it's supposed to be the Holiday Season which arbitrarily means people pretend to be nice to another to solicit better gifts from their peers, but I'm more genuine than that. I'm sarcastic and cynical all year long baby, Christmas isn't stopping this train of negativity. Since I was coming up short on blog topics, and my friends at school were commenting on my remarkable ability to dislike almost everything, I decided to compile a partial list of the facets of existence I find most displeasing to me. I made the bold assertion to them I'd come up with 1000, which probably won't happen because I'll either get bored or run out of ideas and steal other peoples. So, here's part one of shit I hate, enjoy.
1.) B.C The Comic Strip- Caveman humor isn’t fucking funny, neither is their over reliance on puns.
2.) Healthy Choice Soup- Take out the sodium and flavor of regular canned soup and you get this watery piss that is a sorry excuse for a substitute
3.) 100 Calorie Snack Packs- When I want Dorritos, I don’t want 3.5 chips so I can watch my fucking waistline, I want a whole bag because they taste delicious and I don’t give a fuck about my inevitable weight gain
4.) Kobe Bryant- I have a particular distaste both for Lakers players and rapists, so he “wins” twice
5.) Old Nicktoons Not Being in a Basic Cable Package- Give me my fucking childhood memories. You take my money, happiness, and time from me Comcast, can’t you throw me a bone here?
6.) Cold Kitchen Tiles- No one likes starting their day with freezing feet
7.) People who Bitch I Drink Bottled Water- It’s a free fucking country, I am free to let myself be scammed if I so please, the environment be damned.
8.) The Fourth Kind- one of the worst movies I have ever seen, do not watch it, it will make you angry. In no way scary or believable.
9.) “My Kid is an Honor Student” Bumper Stickers- You should also add a “I have poor self image so I need to vicariously live through my child’s accomplishments” sticker as well.
10.) Diet Fads- There is no fucking miracle secret to weight loss, housewives of America. Eat less, move more for a while. It’s that simple.
11.) Christmas Classics Remixed into ‘House’ Music- *shakes head sadly* My generation has fucked up a lot of things, this might be the one that makes me most sad.
12.) Ben Roethlisberger- See #4, just replace “Lakers” with “Steelers”
13.) The New York Yankees- I could cop out and give each one a reason, but they don’t deserve that much space on MY list. Fuck all of them, especially A-Rod.
14.) Waiting in Traffic- Traffic prevents me from doing what I want to be doing, which is NOT waiting in traffic.
15.) Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans- A vile blight upon the world of candy, it shouldn’t exist.
16.) Nickelback- Chad Kroeger and Co. whining about god knows what while playing the same power chords over and over again is utter garbage. He’s Canadian too, so he sucks even more.
17.) People who add “Lol” at the end of a text message- You didn’t laugh, you put that there for no reason.
18.) People who respond to the one word text message- If I send you a “k” or “word,” our conversation is over. Don’t keep talking to me, I’ve moved onto better things.
19.) Fat Chicks who wear thongs- Gross, leave that garment to the good looking girls
20.) Fat Chicks in general- Gross, please remove yourself from my line of sight
21.) Starbucks Coffee Size System- I get it, you’re trendy and a reasonably upscale coffee place, but on the rare instances that I am even in Starbucks, give me a fucking small coffee when I ask, don’t make me say “tall” asshole.
22.) Having all Vowels in “Words with Friends”- What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 A’s, 3 E’s, 1 O, and 1 U, besides angrily throw my phone at the couch?
23.) High Beam Tailgaters- We are the only two cars on the road, do you really need to have your Chevy Silverado halfway up my ass with the flood lights on dickhead?
24.) Public School Lunch- A disgusting collecting of whatever the ladies in the kitchen scraped off the floor and threw in the blender that day.
25.) Piss Mist on the Toilet Seat- Im not talkin’ drops of urine you can see and get rid of, even if it sucks. Piss mist is so fine you don’t realize it’s there until you have settled in, then realized your ass cheeks are moist. Awful.
26.) Mosquitos- Can’t even detect them until you hear that high pitched frequency buzz, but by then its too late: you have an itch that never goes away.
27.) Leaving a pen in your pants pocket through the laundry process- I do this all the time, but it doesn’t prevent me from getting pissed off at the machines, even though its my fault.
28.) Abercrombie and Fitch Stores- The clothes are fine, but the stores smell like someone hosed the hole place down in Axe body spray, all while blaring pop music so loud it makes your ears gush blood. Disgusting.
29.) MySpace- Only pedophiles use this anymore right?
30.) Dan Shaughnessy- Made a career off of hating the team’s he is supposed to cover and willingly defiles anyone in the name of sustaining his alcoholic tendencies. Epitome of a hack.
31.) Chicks who get mad when guys look at their exposed cleavage- IT DIDN’T HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT, YOU PUT IT THERE! It’s like telling little kids not to look at animals at the zoo. Bitches.
32.) Little Kids on Xbox Live- Whiny, over emotional little pricks who ruin my happy time by screaming obscenetities about how awesomely they killed me. I take solace knowing these kids are all getting beat up at their respective schools
33.) Never Wears a Shirt Guy- It could be while playing an acoustic while in the quad or walking around the freshman dorm, the message is still the same: “Im a douche, I just don’t know it yet.”
34.) CatDog- Always watched the show, never enjoyed it. Took me until now to realize this show actually sucked.
35.) Conversation with Any Customer Service Representative- Take me, multiply my level of animosity towards humankind/existence by 1000, then give these people a small modicum of power and tell them their job is to assist other people. Result: Everyone loses.
36.) Hairy Backed Men at the Beach- I go to the beach to relax and enjoy myself, not see a sweaty, heart-attack-waiting- to-happen flaunt his self made back carpet off. There is no way you don’t know you have a throw rug on your back.
37.) Parades- These are fun when you are like 7 years old and the loud noises are a welcome distraction since you have no attention span. Now? It’s just a fucking massive traffic issue in the name of watching people walk in an orderly manner under some unifying theme.
38.) Cleaning up Puke- I’ve dealt with a lot of gross substances in my day, but puke is the absolute worst. The consistency makes it impossible to clean up in any effective way and the smell is REPUGNANT, making me want to puke myself.
39.) Cold Water Showers- I have no idea why people even bathed until there was hot water. It feels like icy knives are being shoved through every pore in your body. I’d rather smell like stale sweat and yesterday’s dinner that I spilled on myself than take a cold shower.
40.) People who call you, you miss the call, then they don’t pick up when you call right back- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! What did you do in the 5 seconds between it being absolutely vital to talk to me and deciding that it wasn’t worth it after all? I hope you stubbed your toe or some other sort of minor inconvenience, because it would make me feel better.
The Mirror - Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69 - after 17 eccentric years as North Korea's 'Dear Leader'.
Sad, sad day for Dos Equis, because I have no idea where they're going to come up with their hilarious material, now that the real most interesting man in the world has passed. Sure the guy in the commercials is a gringo with a beard, but that's really just for asthetics, I mean look at Kim, would you put a troll out as the face of your beer? No. But you would use various tales of his life story if you ever stumbled accross his biography like I did that time I was an intern and supposed to be working but instead was reading the ravings of a mad man for 3 hours. (For simplicity, all facts below are from The Mirror, but are originally from Kim Jong Il's official biography):
1. Birth foretold by Double Rainbow and a New Star in Space - That is some straight up Willow shit, come on Kim, you just fell asleep watching the movie one night and it entered your subconcious, it's cool, happens to all of us...on the plus side, if it is true, we now have an answer to this guys question.
2. World's greatest golfer- I'm sure everyone's heard this one by now, Kim once sunk 5 hole in ones in one day, and fished a full par 72 course with a score of THIRTY FOUR! Note to Kim, when going for lies, maybe tone it down a little bit...I'd have considered believing you with 2 hole in ones and a 58.
3. Kim once kidnapped filmmakers from Hong Kong to create a string of movies, starring Kim Jong Il, battling Godzilla or something...see for yourself:
4. In 2007 Kim outlawed cigarettes nationwide so that he'd be able to quit smoking - Kind of like when that fat-ass in Boston, Mayor Menino, banned sugary drinks on city property so that he wouldn't be tempted to cheat on his diet. You're in good company Tommy.
5. Kim was the original OG, purchasing upwards 350K in Euros a year of Hennessy.
6. Much like Bobby Valentine says he invented the wrap sandwich, Kim Jong Il once claimed he invented the hamburger...McDonalds later urged congress to declare war after such an atrocious claim.
7. A Movie Buff he was not- Owner of over 20,000 films, his favorites were known to be Rambo and Friday the 13th.
And finally, the 10 Weirdest Kim Jong Il Facts:
Safe to say this is a huge loss, to foodies, golfers, film critics, and most notably Dos Equis.