INDIANAPOLIS (NBC) -- In the business of selling sentiments, there's a card for everything, from traditional occasions to unique needs: cards with sound, cards for holidays, cards for losing a tooth. But losing a job? Yes, now there's a card for that too. Hallmark recently rolled out a new line of layoff greeting cards. Stores have a specific section for job loss and recession humor, offering words of support and encouragement.
Make no mistake about it, if I'm ever unemployed and receive one of these, we're no longer friends. I'll disown my family, de-friend you on facebook, and publicly slander you online. I'll get in my car, drive to wherever you live, and punch you straight in the dick. Because that's three strikes against you.
1. You supported the billion dollar card industry, you could've just sent an e-card if you wanted to be an asshole.
2. You used the post office. Anyone that knows me knows I will not be satisfied until we're rid of that top heavy, billion dollar drain on the economy and general waste of government resources.
3. You sent me a happy unemployment card. Even I'm not that much of an asshole. Losing your job is the worst. I went 3 months without a job after college and it was the worst. I started buying and selling baseball cards on ebay thinking I'd get rich (ok, only buying, whatever), and contemplated responding to one of those "as seen on Oprah," pyramid scheme chain letters just to see if I could make any money. I was pathetic, I certainly didn't need a card reminding me of that fact, eating cereal at 12 noon each day in my parents basement was enough of a reminder.